INTERVIEWER: (played by someone who looks like Katie Couric) Janette, thank you for taking time out of you international book tour to speak with us. I know the public is clamoring to find out more about you.
JANETTE: (played by someone who looks like me, but with thinner thighs.) Why, thank you. I’m glad to be here.
INTERVIEWER: Your books are all fabulous and I’m sure they’ve made you a very wealthy woman, but tell us . . . Has anything you’ve written about ever happened to you?
JANETTE: Just the embarrassing stuff. I really did once have to endure
a car ride wearing a possessed cat on my head. (See All’s Fair in Love,
War, and High School)
INTERVIEWER: Did you always want to be a writer?
JANETTE: No, originally I wanted to be a ballerina, but that was mostly just so I could wear a tutu. As a little girl, I took ballet lessons for a few years—tutu-less, mind you, my teacher only allowed leotards in class—and then I finally realized I wasn’t destined to be a great ballerina. I have hyperextended elbows and get dizzy when I spin. This is not a pretty sight at a dance recital.
INTERVIEWER: What are some of the stepping stones you took to become a writer?
JANETTE: Well, I took advanced English class during junior year. I felt very important to be in the class until the teacher told me my writing was boring and full of clichés. This taught me an important lesson that I’ve drawn on several times over the years—never listen to your English teacher. (Kidding!) What I really learned is that the first draft is not always the best!
INTERVIEWER: Have you ever written something you’ve regretted?
JANETTE: Yes, every single poem I ever wrote to a boyfriend. I’m not sure why I thought I was a poet or why I thought guys wanted to read poetry. (I mean, when was the last time you saw a guy walking around with an Emily Dickinson book tucked under his arm?)
INTERVIEWER: Do you enjoy being a writer?
JANETTE: Definitely. How many jobs can you do in your pajamas?
INTERVIEWER: What is the main thing you hope readers will get from your
stories?
JANETTE: A good laugh. Teenagers tend to worry too much about school, clothes, peers, and where they fit in to the great popularity race. Life is too funny not to stop and enjoy the absurdity of it.
INTERVIEWER: What advice do you have for budding writers?
JANETTE: Get used to eating Top Ramen noodles because you will not have the time (or the money) to cook much else. Beyond that, practice as much as you can, study writing skills, and read as many books as you can—especially mine.
INTERVIEWER: Do you ever get writer’s block?
JANETTE: Sure. My muse often wanders off in search of more interesting things to do, and I have to lure her back to the computer using Almond Joys. (At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.)
INTERVIEWER: What would you do if you weren’t writing books?
JANETTE: Cleaning—which is why I will be an author for a very long time. Who wants to clean the fridge out?
INTERVIEWER: What do you do in your spare time?
JANETTE: I have no spare time because I have five children. I’ve heard about spare time though, and I’m looking forward to eventually having some. I think I’ll go to the library and never come out again.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you come up with ideas?
JANETTE: Every day when my teenage daughter comes home, I ask her, “How was your day?” She tells me all about the happenings at her school, and after I finish laughing I go jot down ideas. Being in high school is sort of like living in the middle of your own reality show but with fewer commercials.
INTERVIEWER: What is your best teenage memory?
JANETTE: The time I made the winning touch down at a high school football game. Ok, so it was a game of flag football played during PE. No one was covering me because no one thought I could catch the ball. Until I actually caught the ball, I was one of the un-believers myself. But nevertheless, super-hunk Bobby Bashaw threw the pass to me and I didn’t drop it.
INTERVIEWER: What was your worst teenage memory?
JANETTE: Every junior high school dance. (See Playing the Field)
INTERVIEWER: Where did you go to high school?
JANETTE: Pullman High. Pullman, Washington was such a small town it
only had one high school, and everyone knew everyone else. This meant
when you embarrassed yourself, all the kids in your grade knew about it
and would remember what an idiot you were. There was no re-making your
image. The teenagers you saw every day knew you when you were in
second grade and ate paste.
INTERVIEWER: Your main character in All’s Fair in Love, War, and High School was a cheerleader. Were you ever a cheerleader?
JANETTE: Yes, but not the evil kind.
INTERVIEWER: Your main characters in your newest book, Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Free Throws are basketball stars. As a teenager, did you play the game?
JANETTE: I liked to play basketball, but not to lose—which unfortunately, is where my basketball talent led me. Still, I remember what a great feeling it was to make a basket.
INTERVIEWER: Is anything else in the book autobiographical?
JANETTE: When I was a teenager my best friend, Laura, and I really almost got left at a gas station in Seattle. My Dad was driving our youth church group on an outing in his camper. He stopped for gas and asked if any of us needed to go to the bathroom. We said no, but after a couple of minutes Laura and I decided we’d better use the facilities.
We were just coming out of the bathroom when we saw the camper pull out of the gas station. I was able to sprint after it, climb up on the foot board and grab hold of the doorknob. I might have even been able to open the door if it hadn’t been locked at the time
Laura was unable to similarly fling herself at the back of the camper because she hadn’t been able to find her shoes when we left for the bathroom. She’d just slipped on two mismatching ones from a pile on the camper floor and thus was only able to stumble across the parking lot waving her arms and running like she had two left feet—which she sort of did.
My Dad drove the camper down the street while I held onto the back screaming and thus attracting more attention—but not much more—than the camper usually got from passing motorists. Just before Dad pulled back onto the freeway the kids inside the camper banged on the window to let him know he’d forgotten something, namely his offspring. This act of goodwill, however, may have been prompted by a couple of the kids realizing that their shoes were missing.
INTERVIEWER: Your stories have very true-to-life interactions between siblings. Do you have any brothers or sisters?
JANETTE: I come from a family of three girls and three boys just like the Brady Bunch. I was the youngest girl, like Cindy, except as I recall my brothers and sisters were meaner than Marcia, Greg, Jan, Peter, and Bobby.
INTERVIEWER: Thank you for all of your insightful answers. Oh, and on your way out could you stop by the green room? Orlando Bloom is there and he wants to get your autograph.